How I Deal with Stress

I'm going to let you in on a little secret, that isn't actually a secret to anyone I know. When I feel overwhelmed, I shut down. I go from confusion to tears in seconds. The trigger that generally causes this the most is something related to registering for school. For example, such a reaction was elicited when I attempted to sign up for a high school chemistry course only to discover that my parents kept none of my report cards (or if they did, they've now falling into the pit of 'never going to freakin' find it') and which contained information vital to my completion of the objective. Instant frustration tears!

But what freaks me out more than just signing up for a damn chemistry course, is whether or not I'll be able to complete it and what comes after completing it. Here's the thing, my self-control when trying to get shit down is nearly non-existent. It's pathetic. I was super proud of myself when I managed to stick to my coursera courses for over 3 weeks, but all it took was one weekend without any internet and the habit was broken. I reverted back to little miss lazy-butt and after a few half-assed attempts, have given up. At this point I'm too far behind and rather than take it as a challenge, I give up.

That's my nature. If things don't work out, give up. Avoid it, hide or runaway. Just like with work, things are stressing me out but I'm too afraid of having to start another job and all the awkwardness that follows. If I had anything close to courage, I would just pack up, move, and start all over again. However, I still live with my parents and have no idea how to be a fucking adult. I just mooch off of them like the jerky daughter I am.

University is the most terrifying idea I've ever come across. I have no idea what I'm doing, I feel like a complete idiot and I have no one to help me try to figure it out. Besides, even if I did manage to register, the little chicken shit that I am would wuss out and avoid all her classes. Because she's scared of looking like an idiot.

I feel absolutely pathetic. My life will stay at a standstill as my younger cousins and siblings go to university and make something of themselves. Everything I want to get out of life, I have no idea where to start. I don't want to go to university, I'm too scared and it's what I'm expected to do, even though I'm not convinced I want to. After all, how the hell will I get a good paying job unless I go?

Every time I start pushing myself forward, I feel like I fall back into the hole I just dug myself out of. When things start making sense and I think I've grown-up, I like to revert back to confusion and inner turmoil. I'm frustrated, myself and I are not even close to being friends anymore, and I'm about ready to crawl into a corner of my bedroom and never come out.