Vacation Confessions

I'm writing this simply because I've been thinking about this for awhile, and because I'm too much of a chicken to talk face-to-face with someone about. Let's get this clear from the get-go, I am very blessed and I'm not trying to be ungrateful. So please don't take this the wrong way.

A few months ago my parents made me an offer; if I got a job, they would help pay for a trip to Italy. Now, I've got a job and a brand spanking new car that I'm very proud to say I got all on my own. My parents payed for the license plate and co-signed, and I think that's about it. I offers a bunch of freedom...and a ton of more problems and concerns.

When I was younger, I dreamed of going to Italy. I loved to study various subjects and had read up as much as I could on ancient Rome. My parents ended up going to Italy, leaving me behind to cry into a pillow out of frustration and jealousy. I mean, I was happy for them, but mad because I felt like I knew far more about the history than they did and, having the superiority complex that I did, didn't think they deserved to go when I couldn't.

I eventually got over to some degree. Now that I finally have a chance to go, I don't feel that excitement about it and the thrill of knowing all history is gone. Not to mention, I'm going with my parents who've been there before and seen all sights already. They won't be nearly as amazed as I will be, and probably won't enjoy seeing the same things over and over again. It's seems a bit more disappointing than anything.

Then I have money to think about. How long do I plan on staying at this job? How much do I save for school? How much money will the trip cost me? Is it worth the cost? What could I do with the money instead? Will I be too impulsive with my money while on vacation?

Ever since getting the job, money's all that I worry about. I don't know anything about it. I have no concept of what amount of spending I'm allowed to be doing, or how much I should be saving. I worry that getting a car was a bad idea, even though I did need it to get to work. Every time I use my debit card, I worry a bit more. Whether it be for lunch, a tank of gas or a pair of shoes. It doesn't matter the cost, just the fact that I'm spending money. I am unbelievably worried about doing the wrong thing with my money that will end up ruining my future.

What's even worse, is the fact that now I feel very guilty because I'm not more appreciative of the great opportunity I've been given. I'm sure once I'm in Italy, I'll have a lot of fun, but there's still that nagging feeling that if I don't enjoy it as much as I should, then it's been a waste of money. Hopefully the stress will go away after awhile and I'll start to look forward to the trip. I just wish I knew what I should be doing.