I'm going to attempt to do a semi-positive post today. Gasp! I know, it's beyond shocking. Me, positive? The world is truly ending this month. My aunt asked me a question yesterday that I still haven't found the answer to. Or have, but it's not a very solid answer. So, I thought why not sure some of the questions that have been posed to me. The majority of these, I don't have an answer to. So, bear with me. ;)
My aunt had asked me, "What makes you feel loved?". It sounded simple, but it's always those simple ones that throw me for a loop. I've been feeling very emotionally levelled, meaning lately I've been very emotionless and have a bleak outlook at times. So, my first thought was "Have I ever truly felt loved?". I'm still in emotionless mode, and love is an emotion so I haven't been able to pinpoint a lot of exact moments, but reason tells me that I have felt loved. (I'd also like to acknowledge at this point, that my parents and family members are extremely loving and I've had an excellent life. So, no fault on their part!)
After thinking about it so hard that my brain nearly burst, the best I could come up with is the random, spontaneous things that you don't see coming make me feel loved. Even just the tiniest things, like someone paying for my coffee (tea or chai latte in my case) make me feel loved, and the person didn't even try! My mom once woke me up one morning when I was still pretty sick and handed me a chai latte. That blew me away, and still does! When I was little, I had a lot of nightmares, so my dad told me to make up stories in my head to help me get to sleep. That's probably the single piece of advice I love the most. I still do it, and use it as a coping mechanism when I'm stressed.
I like things that aren't done because it's customary, something spontaneous and has meaning to me. The person may not know they've made me feel loved, but when they do it without feeling like they have to, it means a lot to me.
Another couple of questions, I've come across is in regards to my anxiety is "who made you feel worthless" or "what I am protecting myself form". I'd have to say that I have a tendency to make myself feel worthless. I'm extremely harsh and judgemental of myself, I know this and believe me I'm trying to work on it. Someone may trigger something, by making fun of my makeup or outfit, and I take to whole new level. I will spent hours criticizing every little detail of that conversation and mentally hitting myself for looking like an idiot or embarrassing myself. It wasn't my problem, someone else was being an idiot. I'm still trying to remember that whenever I feel judged or criticized. If I like the way I look, no one else's opinion should matter.
I also don't know how to answer that second question. I don't know what I'm protecting myself from. Embarrassment, public humiliation? Those are my only two guesses. I have a hard time stepping out of my comfort zone (most people do) and I have a hard time making myself vulnerable. I only like being the centre of attention if it's for something I feel control in. For example, presenting or teaching a subject to a class. I love it. I like sharing the information I've gathered, it makes me feel very happy and confident. At a party, I'd rather slink away into the background or be glued to a friend's side.
I've probably mentioned this before, but a previous therapist of mine asked me "Is a person ever worthless?" It arose when I told her, I felt worthless because I didn't have a job and was having trouble with school. I was also afraid I'd spend the rest of my life living with my parents and never doing anything of value. I thought about it for a week straight, and finally came up with no. As long as I am able to think, I'm not worthless. Most of my work is done mentally; I like to think, write and read. You're not going to see physical results for those most of the time.
I'm not saying that I don't ever want to have a job, as I wrote in my last post, I'd really like the freedom it offers. My problem is getting myself there. In happy news, I did manage to hand in a resume the other day. My aunt and I were at DQ and she spontaneously asked me if I could ask for an application form. Spontaneous and something I like to avoid usually ends up with me staring into space like a deer in headlights. And yes, at first I was just like that. I did manage to make up the courage to go to the counter, got an application form, and filled it out, handing it in before I left. It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. I actually felt really confident.
My aunt has been great in helping me over come some of my fears about handing in resumes. I admitted that I often lied about handing in resumes, just because I didn't want to disappoint someone or look stupid. She suggested a code phrase that I could say every time I felt like lying about it, so that she would know that it's the time to be a bit more gentle with me.
It blew me away because I had tended to look at job applications as you hand it in, you succeed or you don't hand it in, you're a failure. There was never this grey area of, I tried. I never stopped to think about why I was unable to hand in a resume or what happened to prevent me from accomplishing my goal. All I know about past attempts was, tried and failed. Not why I failed. Or what I could do differently to allow me to succeed.
Either way, I'm feeling more optimistic today. Even if I have to hand in two resumes tomorrow. It shall be done!
No comments:
Post a Comment