Pas d'appétit

Well, today has been kinda weird. I'm in a better mood and have started to find ways to de-stress. Writing random ranting blogposts is one of them, in case you haven't realized this. I've also started to read books again. I don't think I've read a novel for leisure in around 2 years. I tried, but my own writing kinda took over. So, my reading choices for the last 2 years have been either manga, non-fiction or books for my L.A. class. However, yesterday I finally started reading again...and I liked it! Usually, I've attempted to read a book but haven't been able to finish it because I either my mind likes to wander.

In other news, my appetite has been weird. I can't think of food without becoming disgusted and feeling nauseous, yet at random points I'll actually get the desire to eat something and as long as I don't think too much about it, I can eat a little bit. For breakfast, I had some toast and I managed to eat something for lunch, but for supper, i could only manage one samosa. Imagine someone forcing you to eat something utterly revolting and the entire time you were doing your best not to vomit all over the counter...yeah, that's how I felt trying to eat that samosa and it tasted good! Needless to say, I'm getting kinda worried.

I'm tired of being tired. I wake up and feel exhausted already an hour later. Every time I start to relax, my eyelids begin to droop and my breathing starts to get slower, which is the prelude to my deep sleep. Even right now, I feel like I have giant bags under my eyes (but I don't, I checked!).

That's all for now, because I'm too darn tired to write any more. ;)
-Asiemens

Just Plan O'Struggling

For the past two months, I have felt like crap. Recently I was diagnosed with colitis which still frustrates and confuses me because I don't have access to the information or support I need. I have yet to sit down and speak with a gastrointestinal specialist, and there isn't enough information on the web to satisfy my questions.

I feel constantly like a human bomb, just waiting to go off in someone's face. I'm either extremely angry or I want to cry all the time. I'm tired of faking happy. I just want to be miserable. I don't want to build any new relationships, I don't want to date and I don't want 'strange' people around. In the same breath, I want my extremely close family and friends to stop and listen for just a moment. Put away all you stupid electronic devices, forget about that stack of paper on the table, stop cleaning and just give me a hug. Stop and take the time to listen to me, to try and see how I feel. I need someone to shut up and listen, not to lecture me or to be a pompous, condescending jackass who feels the need to tell me what the heck I'm doing wrong. I don't give a shit. I just want someone to care.

I'm tired of going to school. I don't want to be there, I don't want to sit amidst the superficial idiots and listen to a ranting teacher try to teach me something I will never use. I want to be able to take the course I want, just the ones I'm interested without having to fulfill some sort of requirement. I just want to learn, I don't want to be judged or forced to be apart of something that I don't care about.

I'm tired of driving my brother and sister around. I'd rather give up my driver's license and walk to school than have my life interrupted every time they need to be somewhere. I didn't choose to do the activities they want to be apart of, and I most certainly didn't choose to become the 3rd parents who is always lacking respect and is treated like shit. So, dear parents, take my frickin' license (please do) and make your kids walk or make time to drive them yourselves. Also, please pay me back. All the little amounts of money I've been forced to give out, I want back. Those $5s and $10s add up quick, and I would like to be able to buy lunch at the flipping fantastic cafeteria at school (no kidding, it is the best food ever!!!).

So, there it is...my current rant. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed finally getting it off my chest, since this is the only bloody way anyone will listen to me. I'm sure I have missed various other pet-peeves, but we'll have to save them for some other time.

Farewell and remember, I'm not anti-social because I can't be social, but because the rest of the world is full of idiots.
-Asiemens

Plautdietsch

Right now, I'm really struggling with something. My parents and most members of my dad's side of the family speck Plautdietsch, which is essential the Mennonite language. I am Mennonite, and I don't like the fact that I can't speak Plautdietsch which I perceive to be a part of Mennonite culture. I have asked my parents in the past to teach me and they haven't. My mom tried for a little while to answer my questions on how to say certain things, but she says she's not that fluent in it. And unfortunately, there is no online course or tool to help you learn.

To be honest, in some ways I'm pissed that my parents didn't teach me it growing up. It would have been so much easier. I grew up listening to it, and I know some words and understand what is trying to be conveyed when some speaks it, but I don't know how.

This goes back to another issue I've been dealing with, which is the dying out of cultures and evolving society. Should we just let it happen? Is it the natural course of life to let languages and cultures die out? To what extent should we try and keep the culture or language? It feels wrong to let something die out, considering that we still have pieces from ancient Egypt, Greece, Rome, etc, but should we let it happen.

I feel like I should speak Plautdietsch. Maybe I would like to because it would make me different and unique, maybe I just have a desire to be connected to something from the past or maybe I just want to feel more Mennonite. I really don't know. Either way, I'm upset that I don't know it, and I'm upset that my parents didn't teach me when I was younger and won't teach me now.

-Asiemens

Child of Eternity

Here's a look at my newest project. Now, if you remember my first article (on vampires) I did some more research into it and came up with a pretty awesome idea. At least, I'm happy about it. I wanted to do something different so I came up with this idea of an Egyptian vampire. Ok, a bit weird. I know, but I think it'll be fun to write. Here's the intro into the story. (A huge thanks to people on writerscafe.org for letting me win some awards. Little things make my day)

The torches flickered as I walked by, down the cold, dank passageway. Flanking me on both sides were two of the men who had created this marvel and gifted it to me. One an architect, and the other the master builder. They were the only two who knew all the secrets to my underground palace other than myself, and for that they would pay.

The two men showed me around trying to impress me with the skill in which my palace was built. I wasn't entirely impressed, but it would have to do. After all, it was the best mortals could do.

I would rid the world of all morals if they were not so essential. They were the essence of life, an almost an ambrosia for immortals. Without them we would not be immortal. Instead we would fade away into little piles of dust. Disgusting little buggers.

Sadly, I was not yet immortal. I still had to suffer in this infernal form before I could truly live. My father, Ra, placed this curse on me as a punishment. In order to regain my immortality, I was forced to live a mortal life.

Being mortal repulsed me. Every time I looked into my polished, bronze mirror I felt ill. Mortals are such weaklings. They are like fragile pots; even if you try to put them back together they are still disfigured. Mortality was a plague of stupidity and death. They were fools. All those mortals were fools. Luckily they died soon enough; such a short and meaningless life span.

"This is your throne room, your highness." The architect practically leaped over the builder to say so.

I looked around. It wasn't bad. In fact, I had to admit that the mortals did a pretty good job. However, they had made an error. Beside my throne were two life-sized Anubis statues.

At first I was ready to make them pay for such a grievous error, but I soon had to chuckle at the irony. Anubis helped on the mortals journey into the afterlife and I was never going to the afterlife. At least, I wouldn't complete it. I would defeat him and take from him an eternity. We were enemies of the worst kind.

"Well done." I told them. They beamed with pride. Arrogant little buggers. Like they could ever accomplish any great feat without a superior leader to guide their hand.
I frowned at their arrogance and pride. "Unfortunately, your task is not yet finished." They stared at me, wide-eyed with their mouths hanging open. "I require more."

I stepped towards them, grinning as they tried not to turn and flee. Maybe they knew what was coming. Maybe their tiny brains had broken through the confines of their mortality and had suddenly realized what awaited them.

I lunged towards one, pulling a hidden dagger to his throat and drawing it across. Blood spurted everywhere, and he fell down to the ground, a gash in his throat. I turned to the second one. He started to plead and beg like those substandard beings that all mortals are. I didn't care. Before long, he joined his bloodied friend on the floor.

I knelt down and dipped my flinger in the still warm blood. I pressed it to my lips and tasted. It was good, so full of life and fresh. I couldn't wait till the day when I could drink from their veins and gain power. I licked my lips just thinking of it.

I climbed up to my feet and walked out of the throne room, glancing back only to admire and envy for what could have been and what was. Walking down the passageway, for the first time I noticed how the air was still and musky; smelling like that of an ancient tomb. I smiled, knowing that it was not yet ancient, but I knew that all to soon in the life of an immortal it would be. Death wasn't going to stop me. In face, death would free me. I would finally be an immortal one; a child of eternity.

It's a good day when...

You know, today has been a good day and I'm going to tell you why. Remember a couple of posts ago where I wrote that I was suffering with self-image and all that lovely stuff. Well, today has been the complete opposite. I feel completely ok with myself, and actually love myself. It is an absolutely amazing feeling, especially when you feel that way even though you think your wardrobe needs a little work or that you may need a haircut since your bangs love covering your eyes as you type.

On another awesome note, I just came up with a new story idea this morning as I was still waking up and I'm excited about it. However, it's a dystopia idea and I'm already bummed out with all the dystopia work we did in school lately so I will hold off on writing it until I've been detoxed.

I've also been looking at some of my old writing/stories and have discovered that it still has some potential. I don't think you ever realize how your writing does not suck until a few years later when you can look back on it from a different, non-obsessive perspective. If you ever have the odd desire to read any of my writing, to the left of the page under "links" you should be able to find 2 of my writing sites. One's on Deviantart and the other on Writerscafe. Feel free to check them out and leave me some constructive criticism since that's always helpful. Ok, maybe not always, but I'm going to pretend that you know what I mean. It's a whole lot better than the English teachers who give a "good job" and a 100% without bothering to help you improve.

I hope you've enjoyed one of my only positive posts on this blog. I guess the 'hate the world' thing got old, and I've decided to become less of a negative nelly. Although, I'm sure my previous perspectives will come back as soon as school resumes.

Have an awesome Christmas break, and a happy new year!

-Asiemens

Greedy Ambition

Ok, so it's the middle of the night and now I have these thoughts that are plaguing me and refusing to let me sleep until I get them out. So here I am, 12:30am, sitting at my computer and relieving myself of this need to sort things out.

Let's begin with school, since that happens to be one of my major stress and issue factors. I happen to be in an AC English program, but I hate it. However, my parents want me to take it again next year; I don't want to. It is the most pointless academic program that I've ever come across. The only skill you learn or develop is the skill to twist anything into what you want it to be. Basically the whole class is about reading a book, dissecting it into meaningless little bits and then bull-shitting it. Everything you hear is basically a load of b.s. This is not what a high level course should be like. In my own perfect little world, it would consist of learning from other writers, improving your writing skills and getting decent feedback instead of the "good job" most of my (past) English teachers have given me. I don't give a shit if I did a good job, I want to know what I did wrong and what I can improve on! So those are my English class woes.

My parents keep telling me that I have awhile to figure this next thing out. I don't. I've got only a year. I moved last year to a new school. I'm not very fond of this school, and I'm not sure if it's my stress talking but I'm starting to despise it. Next year I'm graduating. Guess what? I'm still the new kid with a microscopic amount of friends here. I don't want to graduate here. I don't want to be associated with this school for the rest of my life. I want to go back and graduate with all my true friends and with my family there to see.

Unfortunately, I can't do this because I have to take that stupid AC program next year and it goes all year long, so I can't move back for the last semester. I miss my friends and my family, and as time goes by I'm starting to feel forgotten and ignored. I feel as if my friends are slowly separating from me; slowly drifting apart. Somedays I feel so alone, and lost. I don't have friends that can share common experience with. They're at another school, in another province. They don't have the same teachers, or have to be alone. If I had just one friend out here, maybe I could be myself and not this stupid shy, muted girl I am right now.

Now, let's get away from school. Well, not entirely away from school...this happens to be connected. I'm so frustrated with society. My parents keep telling me that I have to get better grades otherwise I won't get into university and then I won't have a good job, and so on. Why do I need a good job? Why can't I just do something that I love? Why can't I flip burgers by day, and write at night? Because society dictates that we must have certain things to have a "good life". Somedays I just want to ditch all this crap.

Honestly, somedays I wouldn't care if I lived in a small, one room (with adjacent bathroom. There are somethings that I just won't give up) cabin in the middle of nowhere. I think it's so pointless that we always have to strive to get better cars, a better house, and so forth. If it works, can't we still use it. Ha! I say that now, but as soon as someone starts questioning on some of my own things, I'll have to admit that I still want better things.

Do you ever want to revert back to the past? Sometimes I want to. I want to forget this obsessive need to be better, and just live. Even if it means some hard work. Heck, maybe that would be good for me. Is it possible to want to work hard? I almost do. Maybe in the future I'll by a deserted cabin on a farm and live like a pioneer or something. Save for the plumbing. I'm still a little spoiled and want to have a functioning toilet.

Speaking of the future, throughout several of my classes we've been talking about the future. A lot of dystopias. It makes me feel depressed and hopeless, and I don't understand why I should imagine that in 10 years I'll be a brain-washed follower of some government cult. Honestly, I want to live in the present. Living 10 years in the past is too stressful and depressing. There are so many things that can happen in 10 years, and I don't want to spend my time coming up with the gazillion things that might happen.

Right now, I feel so lost and disappointed. I hate this notion that intelligence is defined by what job you have. I'm sure that there's a lot of burger-flippers out there that are smart. Yet we devalue them because they get paid less. Right now I want to quit school, but I don't know what I'd do without it. Right now, I really want to tell my parents off and tell them that I just don't care anymore. I've hit a certain point and I honestly am so conflicted that I just don't care. Ha. That would go over well. That would just mean another worthless lecture that would make me feel even worse.

I so need someone to talk to. Someone who's not my parents, or my teachers, or my siblings or my friends. I want someone who's not completely biased. I want someone who won't disregard my statements as stupid. I don't think my parents even realize that they do see them as stupid. Yet, I feel like that's what they're telling me. I'm not stupid. I don't get low grades because I'm stupid. I get low grades because I don't care. I get low grades because I'm stressed and want out. I procrastinate to keep stress away, but it's only a short-term solution.

I feel like I'm a volcano about to erupt. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like my life has already been planned out for me, and I don't get a say in it. I feel trapped. I feel like the walls are closing in, and I want them to stop. I can't pretend anymore. I try to stay somewhat happy and cheerful, but optimism is slowly going away.

I honestly don't know what to do, and that scares me. Feeling hopeless and stressed is one of the hardest things to deal with.

Why yes, it has been a bad week

It seems as if my idea of posting just articles has been demolished, and this blog has been turned into my own ranting place. Oh, well. I'll attempt to post a few new articles eventually...but for right now, I'll just rant.

My week has been terrible! Horrible! Actually turn that week into a month and you've got my life. School has been becoming unbearable. There are some moments where I come across a topic or something that interests me, but the incredible stupidity of people in my classes amaze me.

First off, not everyone gets on my nerves. Since I've hit my stress level, little things have started to bother me more. When some idiot decides to use a fake British accent (that isn't even close!), or when a teacher takes the entire class to explain something that should have taken 15 minutes, that ticks me off. I especially hate when that teacher expects you to pay complete attention to every little detail even though you've already gone over it. I don't have a terribly short attention span, but if you can't keep me interested or focused and drag on and on, then I will focus my attention on something productive. Aka- writing my novel.

On a good note: my novel is almost complete. On a bad note: I've hit the wall. It's not writer's block (I know what I'm going to write and I know how to say it), but I just don't have the will or desire to continue. I feel like life's drained me of all ambition, and I no longer want to learn about things I'm interested in or even read books. Right now I'm feeling numb as far as ambition and the will to do things go.

To top it off, I've been having a wonderful time with teenage insecurity. I feel like I have nothing to wear, that I'm too shy, that I look like a loser, etc, etc, etc. Being shy is one of my biggest insecurities. It's hard to explain how you've got so much to say, but you won't say it. If someone comes into my environment where I feel at home or in charge, I have no issues with chatting with them or being myself. However, when I'm put into a strange environment I become mute and shy. I know that a lot of people have the same issues, and being new doesn't help confidence levels. Oh, and the whole not knowing who you are or what you like is a big issue. Sometimes I feel as if I like things only because I know I'm supposed to like them. That's what a geeky asiemens would like, or that's what a teen's supposed to like.

I realize that all that I've ranted about will go away eventually. Or at least, my feelings towards it will decrease in frustration and anger. I get into these moods every year or so, and I absolutely hate them. Unfortunately, my parents are also pushing for me to get a job, and I'm going to explode soon if this all doesn't go away. Every time they push me, I really want to push harder and be difficult. It's the whole "It's my life, and I can do what I want" thing. Plus, I'm still feeling new and alone at school, and I really have no desire to deal with those same issues at a new job.

Christmas break (yes, Christmas break. Not winter break or holiday break) is looking very good right now. Only 3 more weeks to go. Ugh! It seems too far away.

The ranter extraordinaire,
asiemens