A New Journal and Self-Identification

The other day I did end up picking up a journal and have decided to attempt to write in it. The nice things about a journal is that I know no one will read it for awhile and I can feel free to write about anything I want without fear of offending or having someone feel disappointed in me or my thoughts.

The downside is that I'm not sharing with I think with anyone else, so I don't get feedback on my thoughts. Unlike writing a blog, where I can pretend that someone is reading and understanding it right now, whereas no one might ever read my journal or realize how brilliant I really am. I'm not even joking about that last part, the egotist in me thinks that I am the most amazing thing on planet earth and people should be in awe of me. It's a weird situation because I'm part egotist and at the same time tend to dish out a lot of self-hate. I'm not sure how to feel about this. 

Anyway, the reason for this post, besides informing you that I may or may not continue to post on this blog, is confess a few current secrets that might offend my family. Why, who knows. I might be crazy. So let's begin. If I wind up disowned, this will be the moment. If not, then I guess they like me enough to keep around for awhile. 

I don't feel like my name fits me. I don't know what it is about it that makes it feel like it doesn't fit, but it just doesn't. Some of my nicknames feel ok (Leeshka and Leeshbet, I have no idea how they would be spelt), but my name (all three included) just feels odd. Don't ask me what would feel better, I don't really know. 

The feeling got worse after I started to work and everyone called me something similar but never my own name. I don't feel a connection to those wrong names either. Even telling people my name doesn't feel right. It could just be that it's how I'm feeling now, I don't know. 

I've thought about changing it, even though I don't have the names picked out yet, but am not sure how my family would take it. Probably not well. I'd probably be mocked for it and be gossiped about in private while slowly becoming that family member. 

Of course, I'm well on my way to becoming it, the stupid liberal hippie. Hell, even my dad thinks I'm going to turn into one. He's said it enough when talking about the philosophy course I'm taking in the winter. Then comes the confusion of is it wrong to be myself or at least how I perceive myself? Or should try to fit in or constantly care about not offending someone? 

SO CONFUSED!!! This is what happens when I have a restless night! 

Also, I'm a pagan witch. Tah-dah!