Not Yet Forgiving

One of my biggest challenges is learning to love myself. It's an one going cycle filled with some ups and many downs. There's the insecure feeling I get when people think I'm a junior high student and my annoyance at the fact that I probably see myself about as responsible and capable in the real world as one. There's the struggle with anxiety and fear of embarrassing myself in public at any moment. The worry that I'll say the wrong thing, the fear of expressing my opinions only to have someone unleash a torrent of "how stupid are you" on me.

I've mentioned before that I have a nasty habit of physically punishing myself (in very, very mild ways) by slapping myself in the head or pinching myself every time I think I've done something wrong. For example, I jokingly told a work friend that my dad wanted me to be Buddhist because he kept trying to get me to read some books on it. Immediately I thought I'd said it to loud and/or offended the East Indians that were in the lunch room. That was four days ago, I slapped myself in the car today when I thought about it.

You'll know when I get a bad memory because I like to hiss under my breath "shit" and then will probably slap myself on the cheek while whispering "stupid". Then I'll let it steam in my own mind as I become afraid that someone has seen it and thought that I was a complete idiot.

I'm not too good at letting embarrassing moment go with an "Oh, well. Can't change the past!". I try. I usual attempt to convince myself to let it go because I can't possible do anything to change it. Sometimes it helps a little, but I usually feel really anxious for a few hours afterwards and any other time I think about it.

I don't have a lot of compassion for myself. In anyone else was doing this to me, it would be emotional abuse. The problem is I have a hard time seeing that I'm a person too. I have to learn how to 'play nice'. Simple as that.

I've also decided to end this on a weird, random and semi-happy note. I freaking love tall prairie grass. It's so beautiful, especially when you get a nice breeze and they all sway, looking like an ocean of grass. Something else I also have a weird affection for, hard wood floors. Especially the maple colour with scuff marks and scratches. They will literally make a room for me. I stayed at a hotel in Italy with floors like that and it was by far the best hotel room I've ever stayed in.

Your welcome for all that fun information. Enjoy your day. :P