Bad thoughts

I've discovered something rather terrifying as I underwent a meltdown (alright, I'm still in it but it's slightly better). I have many bad thoughts when I fail at something. I used to slap or pinch myself when I thought I'd failed or caused myself shame. (Random side thought: shame is my new favourite word to describe that emotion. I used to use guilt which is equally valid, but guilt more implies that I feel it solely because I've done something wrong to someone. Shame is my belief that I have failed, embarrassed myself, and/or somehow failed my family or their expectations. It's the feeling of wanting to flee and disappear and hide away so no one knows and so I don't fail them. {Side note to the side note: yes I'm melodramatic in the midst of a meltdown})

It's like that look that a dog has on its face after it knows it's done something wrong, except less cute and more like "I need to vomit to purge myself of this shame and as a representation of how terrible I am". So yeah, less cute.

Every time I get a moment of shame I have the sudden desire to bang my head against something hard. The worst part about it is that I don't feel bad for thinking it, I kinda like the idea but logic always stops me. Don't do it, you'll regret it. You'll go brain dead and then you'll be totally useless. Your parents will hate you even more for making them suffer and pay to keep you alive or for their subsequent therapy because they know their daughter is that pathetic. 

I hate how pathetic I am. I had that my reaction is to hide or not even try because I think I'm a failure. I hate how I can just fight through stuff, I just roll over and take it. I'd never ever be one of those fearless warrior women I like to imagine I am; I'd just be one of their mothers telling them not to be different, to fit in, and just give up, it's not possible.

Damn I hate myself sometimes, I just want to be different. I want to be the opposite of me. I want to be someone brave, I want to be a fighter, I want to face things head on and I want to succeed rather than constantly fail, or at the very least not care that I failed and push on and try harder. Anyone but me would be nice right now

Dropping Out

I've been struggling a lot lately with stress, finances, and stress related to finances. My work has cut my hours, and I can't manage to support myself (well, the little payments I actually have to make). I've been going to see a therapist lately hoping that it will quell my stress but trying to figure out payments for it and asking for help is only stressing me out more.

I'd find a different job, but no one is hiring part time with flexible hours for student above minimum wage. And there are very few jobs hiring at the moment. Not to mention, even with my parents help I'm missing payments, and my credit score is heading to the dumps. I've tried getting help on how to manage finances but everyone seems to busy with their own stress be I hate to bother them with mine because I'm incapable to figuring it out.

For some reason, this has lead to my current thought that university isn't worth it. The amount of stress related to class, figuring out financial aspects, managing work, and to end up without a job or career path afterwards. I wish I had rather gone to college and done a one year diploma instead, because then I'd have a career and could at least earn more money before attempting university. 

I am very tempted to drop out, and get a full time job instead, maybe taking evening classes sat a college so I can earn more and figure things out, and maybe return to university. I'm smart, I love learning, but I can't do this right now. And I know I'm being spoiled and stupid, because way more people have it far worse than I do. I should suck it up, work with the system and push through instead of thinking that the system with work with or for me, but I find that I'm unable to cope with all the stress associated with it. I have no idea how to function as an adult and I find it particularly frustrating that despite all the education I've received, I have learned nothing about how to survive everyday life despite knowing basics of psychology, history of Roman civilization, intro to Python programming, etc. Even though every prof goes that the material we learn will be useful in real life situations

Fearless

Today is my fearless day. I'm so tired of being afraid of everything. Afraid of what people think, afraid of being abandoned, afraid of being vulnerable, afraid of expressing my emotions, afraid of trusting people. It's so hard to be afraid all the time. After over two decades I'm still terrified that at any moment my family will abandon me. I'm afraid that I'll disappoint them over and over again, that they'll be annoyed by me or I'll be an inconvenience, and they'll just have enough.

I've heard or read that being afraid of vulnerability isn't the fear of being hurt, but being hurt so badly you can't recover. That you don't trust yourself or think you're strong enough to deal with being hurt. I think I'm a strong person, I think that despite my procrastination and laziness when something goes wrong I can lift my head up and work hard, and deal with it. So, today is my fearless day. The day where I won't be afraid of being abandoned, hated, mocked or an inconvenience.

I can often come across as cold or unfeeling, half the time I don't even have a clue of what my emotional state is. Sometimes I'm just neutral. The thing is, I feel a lot. When we went to go see a broadway play, at the end I almost cried because I could just imagine what the actors felt. I could imagine them dreaming, practicing, and trying so hard. I could imagine how it must feel to put on a performance in front of a large group and then to see them all stand up and applaud your work. I could imagine how happy, how incredible that must feel to not only do something you love but to have others appreciate it and validate your hard work.

I love my family and friend more than they could know. At any point if someone needed a kidney or liver I would be the first one there. Sometimes I feel like my brother finds me to be an annoyance, like I'm just kinda there in his way. It hurts because I love him so much and I wish I could talk to him about what's bothering him or help him out. I remember being little and the first thing I'd do in the morning before anyone else was awake was to go into his room, put him properly on his bed and tuck him in.

I love to make people happy, and hate to be a bother. Sometimes, I try too much. I'll try and help them against my own interests, sometimes it gets me into trouble later on. I hate how selfish I can be sometimes, especially when it comes to money or how when I was younger I'd always give my friend the smallest or worst piece of candy because I wanted the better one.

I expect everyone at some point to give up on me. To think I'm too lazy, too messy, too much of a procrastinator, too cold, too weird, or too much trouble. I don't fear it, I expect it. It feels like it will happen, and I'm just biding my time until my world comes crashing down. I'll have borrowed too much money from my parents, I'll exasperate them with my procrastination or messiness, I won't get the grades I should in school, and I'll just wind up being more trouble than I'm worth. Every part of me expects this to happen and it's terrifying. I feel like if I somehow don't manage to perfect myself, it'll happen. I love them so much and I'm so scared that it'll happen. I'm absolutely terrified that I'll be kicked out.

I want to stop being so afraid of everything. I want to learn to trust people, including myself so that if trust fails, I can still support myself. I just want to stop being so afraid of what people will think, say or do. So, my goal is to learn to be fearless. To just enjoy things now, and stop worrying about what-ifs. So today, I'm going to have a fearless. I'm going to practice not being afraid, just for one day.

Understanding of Religion

I think I'm beginning to understand more about religion and beliefs. I've calmed down a lot in my dislike for certain Christians and am really working towards being understanding. I think what bothered me the most was that few practice what they preach and spend the majority of their efforts micromanaging society (Granted, I tend to reside towards the left and am probably slightly clouded in how I view them).

Pope Francis has helped me more than anyone to see that it's not always the case. Sometimes, all it takes is one person to completely change your views and the amazing amount of compassion he has towards everyone just makes me speechless. The fact that he often goes against the flow of traditional views, helped to prevent me from seeing all Christians as insincere and corrupt. Strong words I know, and logically I always knew that they weren't at all like that (In fact, my family is all Christian and I've seen how kind they can be), but still when you're feeling emotionally confused and bitter sometimes you unfairly place labels on an entire group. One could say that I was doing the same thing that I really disliked about them.

Another thing that really help was Anthropology. I absolutely love it and one of the reasons I do is you get to talk about religions from around the world without arguing that your belief is better. You simply say that's what they believe, and recognize that it's valid for them to believe without disagreeing. Obviously, there are a few moral debates. I'm just generalizing here. The other really cool thing is you aren't trying to figure out if God is real, which saves a lot of headaches.

Now I can look at Christians from a more logical viewpoint and understand that they have a very valid reason for believing what they do. I still don't like them forcing their beliefs on others in political discussions and wish a lot of them were more understanding to others (although, again, I recognize that there are quite a few irritating people on the left that can be just as bad or worse)

I think when it comes to my own beliefs, I've become content with keeping it to myself. I'm beginning to realize that the labels I really wanted to put on myself and declare to everyone, really doesn't matter as much as I thought. Honestly, I tend to get along better with everyone when I just act instead of talking about it. If someone asks I have no problem letting them know, other than the fact that they're very flexible which can be confusing to even me.

So, I guess that's progress!

Regretfully Sorry

I'm going slightly crazy right now, and I apologize but I just need to get it out of my head. I'm trying really hard to be nice to myself, but it's so hard. I'm so mad at me right now. I'm so frustrated and it's all my fault. I'm a complete idiot. And I know this will come out as an over-reaction, but I don't think I should ever have kids. There are multiple reasons for it, but I'll just focus on the trigger right now.

I'm such an idiot, why do I care so much about being helpful to others. I know I shouldn't, everyone knew I shouldn't, but I'm an idiot. Why can't I see it? Why do I get so stubborn and ignore all reason for the sake of trying to be worth it? God, I hate myself right now.

I now have this damn kitten that I desperately need to get rid of. I tried to be helpful. I just made myself an inconvenience. I know they're talking about me, I know they think I'm completely stupid. Why did I have to inconvenience them?

I took it in because someone needed help and I just wanted to be helpful, but of course I'm unable to sense the reality of a situation. I was only supposed to have it for a week and then my friend backed out, and there was someone who wanted to adopt it, but I haven't heard back. It's just been a hell of a week.

I feel bad for the poor thing because our dogs refuse to get along with it and it has to stay in a crate most of the day. I unable to care for it like it deserves, and it seems this terrible week has suddenly caught up with me and I'm left feeling extremely frustrated.

So, I'm very sorry that my poor siblings are stuck with this kitten. It was rude and inconsiderate of me to stress them out. And I'm sorry to my dad, who's advice I refused to listen to because I have a compulsion to be helpful. Dammit self, get your shit together and remember to always sleep on it first.

Dating Doubts at Midnight

It's currently the middle of the night and my brain refuses to take a break. I've had a bit of a rough week which has caused me to have underlying frustration that I don't know how to deal with, which would be fine but it has pushed a few small worries to the surface. Here's my attempt to deal with those by getting them out of my head.

I've tried talking about relationships before, maybe not on this blog, but to various people and in my journal. However, they have been very little to no help at all. I think the fact that I've been struggling with this one for awhile and that it always seems to be hiding just below the surface is the reason why it popped up so strongly now.

Over the last few months I've felt a strong need or desire for a relationship. Maybe it's because I just feel that by now I should have had something like one or maybe it's because I've just been feeling a strong need for physical interaction like hugging or just touching someone. I don't really know how to explain it and I'm sure I come off as slightly crazy, and I know I'm way overthinking.

I'm not really ashamed that I haven't had a real relationship yet, because I don't think I was ever ready for one before now. I needed to become more confident in myself and figure some shit out. At least that's what I think 80% of the time. Every now and then that evil little whispering voice creeps in and says there's something wrong with me.

It doesn't help when someone else jumps in to point out what might be wrong. They learn that I haven't really had much dating opportunities and they can't help but try to fix what's broken. They say I send out a "certain vibe" of someone who's anxious or shy, that I have a baby face and look too young, that I'm too smart and intimate guys (solution was to dumb myself down), I'm too quiet, etc. Fyi, I actually have had all these pointed out to me.

Anyway, every time I enter a new social environment like a new job or school, I can't help but hope that I might meet someone who may just think I'm dateable. Hell, I've even thought of online dating already, but I made a promise to myself to try the real life stuff first and wait until my mid 20s before giving it a go.

Then let's take a step back and realize that I'm not even sure if I need a boyfriend. Sometimes, and I know this is a little stupid, I feel pre-destined for a solitary life, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. I could quite easily see myself living by myself and enjoying it. There's just this feeling of there is nobody for you, you're just not meant to have a relationship.

Either way, I am waaaaay overthinking my life, as per always.

A Few Heart-Breaking Frustrations

In a few months I'll be heading back to my original home town to visit my family and friends, and I am exceptionally nervous. I will admit, I still hold some internal and semi-irrational grudges towards that town. Not that I really enjoyed my young adult years in this new one either. :P I never enjoyed the really religious feel of that small town, with lots "I'll pray for you"s or "It's God's will"s, and I enjoy it even less now that I have deviated from the religion I grew up with.

I feel as if I should be ashamed of the path I've chosen because I have disappointed so many people (even though a lot of people don't know it yet), but I refuse to just denounce my own thoughts for the sake of someone else's. It still hurts though to know that you've caused your parents' disappointment, yet I know that they hurt too because in their eyes I suppose I've gone down the wrong path.

At the exact same time, I have a hard time understanding why it effects them so much. I haven't used my beliefs or thoughts to belittle them or used them in hate. I haven't forced it upon them and I'm happy to answer any of their questions. I haven't kept it a secret, I've been completely open. It's not a cult (which I loosely define as having a charismatic all-knowing leader that gets followers to cut off their ties to everything outside of the group) and it's not a way of rebelling.

Just having a different view disappoints them and it's really hard for me to understand because I've felt Christianity pushed on me. I was not given a choice but Christianity, although I really appreciate my parents understanding of my struggle with it. I have people saying they'll pray for me or that God and Satan are waging a war in my mind, and I just have to accept it because "it's the intention that matters". Yet if I even dared to wear a pentagram, I don't think I'd even be allowed in their house. (FYI, the pentagram is not a sign of Satanism, the reversed pentagram is. Like the reversed cross, the reversed pentagram in modern use represents the opposite of the original symbol)

But I have to just accept it. Because it's their house and they have their rules. Somedays I think I can't wait to own my own house so I can force them to remove their cross and stare at my pentagram just out of spite, although I would never do so. It frustrates me that my parents won't allow tarot cards in their house, but I go along with it because of social expectations and I don't want them to feel like my spiritual view supersedes my respect for them (It doesn't, I value my family above all else).

I'd really like to come out with every one. I'd like to display that secret pagan board on Pinterest and wear a silver pentagram around my neck. But I don't think people are ready to understand it. Honestly, I feel that if I were to reveal it now, I would need to book a hotel room for my visit because I won't be allowed to stay in anyone's house.

Because of that, I don't really want to go. It hurts me that simply being honest about having a different view will completely change their perspective of me, although I don't entirely blame them. Yet, I hate the double standards. I can almost imagine not being allowed to talk to my young cousins (even though I would never bring up my own spirituality other than to say it's different if asked by them. The general view is not to convert and to wait until a child is eighteen before engaging in conversations about it if you're not their parent). I cannot say I'll pray for them unless I pray to their God (which doesn't really make sense because their god is a form of the divine, so they're very much the same), I cannot openly display my spirituality for fear of offending them, and I have to be afraid of losing them.

It's a very nerve-wrecking situation, that I'm not entirely sure how to deal with. I guess it'll just have to be a secret until I'm fully self-sufficient. Which is another 5 years... sigh