Religion and New Age Books

I like being honest, but I do tend to become silent occasionally when I feel insecure, when I'm afraid of aggravating a situation or hurting someone. I'm a bit hesitant to discuss this topic because it's something that isn't quite solid in my own mind yet and I'm a little afraid of bein made fun of. Despite that, as I've mention I use this blog as I way to work through ideas in my own mind, vent about things, and feel as if someone's listening, so be prepared for some rough honesty and undeveloped thoughts.

I've written a couple of blog posts quite awhile ago on some of my struggles with religion, but I've kept them to myself as of late for various reasons. I've found comfort in something that I'd like to keep to myself for now, until I feel secure in my beliefs. I'm glad to report that I feel very little bitterness regarding Christianity now and am happy for those who fall under that banner. I don't think I'd ever return to being a Christian, even though I enjoy reading the bible and some of its ideas, because I can't quite reconcile some of my personal beliefs with it and some of those who practice it. I have no issue speaking to others about it or using the word "God" since it's what most understand. 

I've read a lot of book about religion, read a few blogs and met people who think it's the cause of all evil in the modern world. I don't think I'll ever not believe in something, simply because it gives me comfort and helps to calm my mind when it gets a little out of control. I find satisfaction in having something to honour and prayer allows me to give up some control, plus I've always loved the action of praying. 

The hardest thing for me was trying to reconcile my personal beliefs, the beliefs I grew up with, and science. At first it was fear of what my family and friends would think that caused me to hide my views, and once I'd passed that checkpoint, I then was stuck fearing what other logical and intelligent people would think about me still deciding to believe in something so outlandish. During that time I read nearly any book that captured my interest and found my curiosity leading me to the new age section of the library. Most of those books were smuggled into the house and hidden in my room, because my mom would freak and my dad would laugh at me. My dad's reaction worried me the most because I really respect his opinion and, although his attitude often helps to bring me back to reality, I was starting to determine my own views. 

Although there are definitely some far fetched ideas over in new age, I'm going to say something a little controversial and tell you that they're not just for the crazies and some do have a lot of value. A lot of the ideas they're grappling with are the same ones that nearly every culture has grappled with, but without the structure of traditional religion or science, since a lot of them science has no answer for. Sure, you may come across a lot fluff, but you find it in the feel-good books of traditional religion as well.

For example, let's talk about the idea of what happens to the human soul when we die. Science says that we don't really have one (although it's still a bit unsure) and once our physical body fails, we cease to exsist, Christianity says either go to heaven or hell based upon our actions on earth, or whether we have accepted Christ, and Hindus and Buddhists both say that the soul reincarnates multiple times until we reach enlightenment. Obviously this is very over simplified. 

Now let's say that you didn't have a traditional religious structure to help you define things and weren't very satisfied with the scientific answer, what would you do? A lot of new age writers are faces with that problem and will search nearly anywhere for an answer they find adequate, often melding two or more beliefs together. 

What new age is, isn't just books by whack jobs, but books written by individuals that are trying to make sense of things in a very personal way. They work with ideas in a way that's almost rebelliously outside of society's rules and in a completely different direction than traditional approaches. The biggest thing reading those books have taught me is that everything is extremely personal, even religion, and unique to an individual. Although several individuals can share simpler beliefs and can be grouped together, each of them are distinctly different. That knowledge has allowed me to think personally about my beliefs and gave me the freedom to decide for myself what I think, even if it isn't the most mainstream and accepted idea. 

Just Meh

I've been having one of those blah weeks; I'm not stressed or anxious, I'm just feeling a bit dissatisfied again. It kinda revolves around work, but unlike my previous job I don't feel stressed or angry. I guess I just have a problem with keeping myself busy, because it feels like I'm drained due to work and yet if I wasn't working I'd just be extremely bored and unproductive. At the same time, socialization at work can energize me and make me feel great. I just need to find a way to balance out the two or learn to how to work at home. 

I feel completely drained and almost like my brain has given up and just accepted the way things are. Although there's a part of me that wants to rant about having to need a job and being unable to work the way I want to, there's another (more successful) part that just wants to suffer in silence and shut the hell up. 

Which is probably why this post is going to be such a short one. I wanted to get it out there, but I've just given up on trying to figure shit out... at least today. 

Co-Worker Rant

So after whining yesterday about my doubts regarding university, I thought I should take the time out of my day to whine about a different aspect of my life: work. 

There is nothing quite as frusterating to me as someone who denies they're at fault and refuses to stop blaming someone else. I had this today at work when a key disappeared after I'd given it to a co worker. He said I didn't give him the right key, although I did double check the tags before giving it to him and am pretty sure it was the correct one. So after a few minutes of arguing I figured I'd  try to restore the peace and gave a couple of no-one-at-fault senarios that he all shot down and then continued to blame it all on me. 

Even after several hours, he would throw in a "you gave me the wrong key" comment and remind me that he had seniority and I'm still new. Worst of all, I can't even talk to my boss about it since she and this guy are good friends.

Now, he's a very odd fellow to begin with and one that I find to be quite unprofessional and isn't the best communicator ever. He will skype chat with old friend during work hours, goes to the bathroom almost once an hour and will just disappear without telling anyone for 15 min at a time. My first or second week on the job, he told be I was being bossy and he still had seniority because I tried to rush him. He probably was right, but the tone and words he used sounded rude. I did tone it down and went out I my way to be super polite when I needed him to do something, and all was well until today.

The way he communicates with people is a little rude and condescending; I had already noticed he need to be right. He also will gladly gossip behind your back to people and loves to gossip to me about who was being rude to him. I usually play along, but I'm always taken aback when someone mentions what he's said about me. 

I have a feeling he'll prove to be a valuable teacher, even though he frustrates me, because he'll help me to learn what not to say to people and how to suck up to your boss. Unfortunately not all your life teachers will be ones you like, and often you discover what irritates and learn to do the opposite. It's immensely aggravating. 

University Doubts

I constantly go through cycles of feeling confident and of dissatisfaction with aspects of my life. My lows have thankfully been brought to a relatively stable level that doesn't completely throw me off balance, which means I don't feel as desperate for radical change and can work through them rather than have them run me over. 

My confidence in myself has drastically increased in the last month and with the aid of medication I don't feel as anxious all the time. I don't feel as if my agoraphobia is a problem, I'd even so much as say that it has disappeared and most of the anxiety I do feel is normal.

Because of this, I feel like I can say that my hesitance to go to university is not currently caused by social anxiety, although I don't doubt that as the time grows closer I will definitely be feeling it. Perhaps it's a subconscious anticipation of anxiety that causes my doubts, but  I really don't know. Like most of my posts, I'll be using this one to work through my thoughts, so don't expect me to have a good answer or even a decent argument. 

I've been doubting going to university before I applied, blaming my doubt on social fears and worries regarding trying to find the right classroom or feeling awkward, but now that I find myself at a stable and manageable level, I still have doubts that it's the right decision. I find that I'm now pinning them on my absolute hatred of high school (although some of the classes were ok) and am not looking for a repeat experience. 

I love learning, especially listening to a lecture, and love to think and write about it, but my inner hippie detests homework and tests because I think intelligence and understanding goes far beyond the two. I don't like being graded, somewhat because I'm a procrastinator and will find great stress in doing homework, and because the percentage I get does not at all reflect my understanding. Essays, which I prefer to a certain degree, are very subjective to the teachers personality. There are of course exceptions, but think of reading an online article and scrolling down to see the comments. There are inevitably some asshole ones, but even the intelligent reviews of it will have widely deferring opinions. 

A teacher disagreeing with certain word choices or a writers style (usually I get blasted for having too much personality) or even having a different opinion than the writer, might score it far lower than another equally qualified individual who thinks it portrays the idea well. To a degree, knowledge is very debatable. Even in science, you get multiple theories and have different individuals vying for each one. Knowledge is constantly changing and is rarely solid, there are many people in the same field with very different ideas and having my intelligence graded by just a single one irritates me.

I think it's just another one of my "why is society the way it is" problems. I don't know how to fix it, I just know I don't like it. 

Confession time; although getting a low level job was supposed to teach me that I need an education, I don't feel that way. I think I'd rather have a less stressful job that may pay less and use my knowledge in my writing than to have a job with more money. The only exception being if I find something I truly have passion in and enjoy working at. Although I find that I already have a passion for writing and expressing my opinions, even though I may not have a large audience. 

I do love to learn and I would gladly go sit and listen to lectures all day, then write about it or debate with people. I'd read nearly any book on any subject and maybe even look up workshops to help me with the more hands on stuff. It's not the learning about things that is a problem, it's being graded on it that causes me stress.